Although I'm 25 and theoretically could have slept with half the country by now, there remain only a handful of guys who have had a lasting effect on my development.
One, Jake, my non boyfriend from high school, and a little dalliance in college, and also this summer. He has been there, somewhere, usually in the background, for the last ten years of my life.
Two, Alex, my non boyfriend from college. He slept with everyone, except me, because I wouldn't let him, despite all his charms. And that killed him. If there is one thing I've learned from my experience with Jake and Alex, it's that when a guy doesn't really love you, the quickest way to get rid of him is to sleep with him. And if you don't, he'll be there forever.
Alex is still around, whereas Jake has finally moved on. I'll let you do the math.
And third, there is Aidan, my first non-non boyfriend. My first everything really.
There are others, mostly one night drunken fumbles. But recently I've been thinking about how my relationship with Alex in college has possibly effected my behavior more than I realize. Alex was the guy that wanted to be a lover, wanted to do the pleasing (and then go love and please someone else).
And at nineteen, I didn't know a lot, but I knew that those things should be a two way street. So, with all of his skill and practice, I never let him truly please me. It was a power struggle, almost a game. I know part of me wanted the player to get played. There was a night when I decided that I was done with him--he got so upset, he fell down the stairs trying to get me to stay.
I know I felt powerful then. Like I had turned the tables. And even now, I know he'd cheat on his girlfriend if I'd let him. But I'm not nineteen anymore, and there's really no chance of that. I don't want a part of it.
But what I'm wondering is this: back then, all those years ago, did I somehow distance myself from sex and the emotion and feelings that go along with it? And if so, is that why I have not problems exactly, but issues with it now? Have I somehow made it all about power and not about love? And have I become a little more like Alex himself. I mean, not by numbers of conquests, but have I become the lover, the pleaser, the impervious one? And if so, what will it take to change that?
